While my husband didn’t get into law enforcement until after we were married, I can remember very well feeling left out when we were “just” boyfriend and girlfriend. We’d talked about marriage a lot before getting engaged (after all, we dated for about 3 years before tying the knot.)
I remember how frustrating it was when friends and family would discount our relationship: when family would lay claim on his time, guilting him and reminding him that I wasn’t family, and they were. That they needed to come first.
And, of course, I wasn’t dealing with the stress of someone who regularly put their life on the line.
I can only imagine how much more frustrating the pre-marital stage of questioning and discounting must be when you’re also dealing with the fact you can’t kiss your LEO right when he gets home – that instead of the comfort of him walking through the door at night, you have to rely on a text message saying they got home safe (and if they’re anything like my husband, they’re not great about texting.)
It hurts when you don’t have the privilege of seeing him off to work. When you don’t see him at all when he works night shifts and just have to rely on a text or two midday before he gets up, goes to work, and repeats his whole routine all over again.
Married or not, when you’re in love with a police officer, a piece of your heart is going out the door every day into dangerous situations. You have dreams and plans and commitments together. You’re still an important part of your significant other’s life.
So how can you make the most of this awkward in-between stage?
How To Deal With Being “Just” The Girlfriend
Find friends who understand.
I know it can be hard to talk to friends who don’t have significant others in law enforcement, but it’s a great place to start. Even if you’ve felt uncomfortable in the past talking to them because you feel they won’t understand, just give it a shot.
The key to this is sometimes knowing who’s good to talk to and when. I know I have certain friends I prefer to go to for certain things – if I seek them out for advice on other things, it leaves me irritated/disheartened. It’s not that they’ve necessarily done anything wrong, they just aren’t knowledgeable (or helpful) on that particular subject.
Online groups are a great place to start. But I know that can be tough, because some police wives get “elitist” about who’s going through a harder time. I’m not really sure why people do this. The truth is, we’re all fighting a battle. We shouldn’t be arguing about who has it the hardest: we should be focusing on helping each other out.
Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to other girlfriends/wives in your boyfriend’s department. Even if you don’t have marriage in common, you can still find ways to be friends!
It’s uncomfortable to reach out to new people, but just start by being a friend. If you hear someone is going through a hard time, bring something nice (like cookies). Or just invite them to lunch, or offer to bring over dinner, or even babysit their kids to give them a break, if applicable.
Go to department activities to get to know people. Even if you’re more of an introvert, being involved will help them to see you as someone they need to welcome into the “family” and less of a casual acquaintance.
Related Post: 5 Things To Know About Dating a Police Officer
Don’t let other people get to you.
If someone says something rude to you (whether they intended it that way or not), do your best not to let it get to you. Because if they meant it rudely, it reflects poorly on them, not you (and probably means you wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway.) And if they didn’t mean it rudely, well, everyone makes mistakes.
I know it’s easier said than done, but try to think like a duck and let it roll off your back.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t address it, by the way. I wasn’t always this way, but since becoming a mom I’ve become a lot more direct. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling someone that something they’ve said/done hurt your feelings. It’s all about tact.
But really, it all boils down to the fact that you can’t control what other people say/do to you – you can only control how you respond.
Instead of focusing on their rudeness, focus on and hold tight to what’s important/what you know – that the love you and your significant other have for one another is real. Then spend some time with your real friends who are a little more understanding (see point #1 :))
Enjoy the stage you’re in.
I know you hate hearing this. I know I hated hearing it (and still do.) But there is actually a lot of wisdom in this, even if it’s not the most “fun” advice.
Because I don’t mean it to discount your struggles. Enjoying the stage you’re in isn’t about denying hard times. It’s just about realizing that, while you can yearn for the past or the future, the only thing you can do anything about is the present.
It’s also important to realize that while things get easier later on, but they also get much harder in other ways.
Before you know it, the freedom you have right now will be gone. Enjoy the fact that you can do what you want for a bit. That you can go anywhere, at any time, without having to be accountable to anyone.
Enjoy that for now, you don’t have to deal with teething, middle-of-the-night feedings, or negotiating with a toddler about the importance of wearing a diaper.
I love being a wife and a mom, but I’ll admit there are times I yearn for the downtime I had when I was single and childless. I remember when I was single and I could make middle-of-the-night runs to 7-11 for some nachos without anyone judging me, then sleep in until noon the next day if I wanted to (as long as I didn’t have to work.) Those were some good times.
My point is, try to focus on the good stuff in your life right now. You can dream about and prepare for the future, but don’t let it overshadow (or detract from) the present. If you can get in the habit of making right now the best time of your life, of making the things you have in your life everything you need, you’ll be so much happier.
After all, if this relationship does go the distance, this awkward, in-between will be a tiny blip in the grand scheme of things.
Tell me: What’s your favorite thing about being a police girlfriend?
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Oh my gosh! This is my liiiiife! I am REALLY struggling with where we are in our relationship. He’s working midnights and I work on his days off so it feels like we never see or talk to each other! I have a 2 year old too so I don’t have the perks of being single either. Haha! I am in DESPERATE need of friends who know what dating a LEO is really like. I’ve tried talking to people that I’m close to about it but they just don’t get it. ????
Oh, man! That sounds really hard. Dating a LEO is hard and having a 2-year-old is hard – it’s just not fair to have to combine them! ????
Do you feel like the people you’re close to want to/try to understand?
Im divorced from a regular ole joe but living woth an leo and togehter we have 6 kids. 3 of which are special needs. As you know with an leo you are a single parent in all aspects but money. I struggle everyday. We fight alot and are holding off on marriage because of it and how badly we were burned in our past. We are in therapy weekly but it doesnt seem to help much. The stress of it all has affected my health. I dont have time for friends or exercise or down time for myself. My friends try to understand and are supportful but are disappointed i never have time for them. I tried to become involved with the wives association but simce we arent married couldnt become a member and didnt feel comfortable with most of the women i met. I would just someone who understands he doesnt have time to help me more and he is just as stressed out as I am and hes really not an overprotective jerk he is a hyper vigilant leo and its anside affect of the job.
Thank you so much for this post! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and he has only recently become a Deputy. It has been really hard feeling like I have nobody to talk to but this post has inspired me to get out there and try and meet others who are going through the same thing as me!
This was so helpful to me! My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 8 years now! College and the academy always seemed to get in the way. Finally we got our lives figured out. Being the girlfriend seems so difficult, especially with him being on night shift. Being a nurse, I lucked out and got night shift as well! I love being able to have similar schedules!
This was so helpful to me! My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 8 years now! College and the academy always seemed to get in the way. Finally we got our lives figured out. Being the girlfriend seems so difficult, especially with him being on night shift. Being a nurse, I lucked out and got night shift as well! I love being able to have similar schedules!
Thank you for this post. I have only been with my boyfriend for 5 months and it’s been a struggle to see him since we also live an hour from eachother along with that hurdle we both have children from previous marriages which also consume a lot of our time. Times are especially hard during the holidays when he’s working and I can’t see him. I never knew how hard it was to be in a relationship with a LEO now I know.
I am new to this but finding this has helped. Me and boyfriend have been dating for 7 months now and hes making at what he does protecting our community. I see him on and off his shifts and he has taken on the father roll for my two little girls. And somehow through all the amazing things we do I find it so hard to communicate with him sometimes. Hes strict and can be a butt haha am not perfect but is there something I need to do different or more that I need to know about him and how a ln officer thinks?
This post helped me a lot. We are going on a year of dating and my LEO didn’t get into being a deputy until after we got together and now that he is out of the academy and is working weekend nights it is super hard to sync our schedules since I work a regular Monday-Friday job. Our text are few and far between since he sleeps until he gets ready for work and then is busy patrolling the streets. I first thought our relationship was taking a turn for the worst because I felt like he did not want to spend time with me but I think now it is simply he is busy and tired and I am having a hard time understanding that so in my mind I am creating problems that do not really exist.
Thank you for this post. I’ve spent the last two days reading dozens of your blog posts! I am dating an officer–a brand new one! As I’m typing this he is out on his second ever shift. He was just sworn in last week. We have been dating for 5 months–we started right as he began the Police Academy. I am also still currently in college, and I just so happen to be in a completely different state! Long distance is hard enough but adding in his LEO career puts a whole ‘nother level on things it seems like. Thankfully, this is my last semester and I’ll be graduating in the Spring and then I can go home to him! Thank you for this blog, it has been so helpful to me already.
Needed this post and all the comments below that validate my feelings. Boyfriend started the academy just a few weeks after we started dating. He’s only about a third of the way thru and the amount of work, studying and stress has caused him to cut off all communication with me. I am struggling. And I do not want to be a girl that lays around waiting for her boyfriend to call her. Ugh. Thanks everyone for the encouraging words and sharing your stories.
Reading this in 2020, in the midst of grad school, my boyfriend being a recruit, and being 10.5 hours apart. This post is so relevant to me. I am lucky he understands that this is hard on me too, he has tried to connect me with wives of his friends he’s met so far but it’s a little harder when you can’t see them often either. Thank you for posting this. Sometimes it helps to put things in perspective and just knowing someone gets it.