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Are you struggling in your sex life as a police couple? Don’t sweat it: There are lots of ways to improve your intimacy and have more fun with your LEO!
Something a lot of police couples face is trouble connecting in the bedroom… and when you think about it, it’s really not all that surprising.
With all the stress associated with law enforcement life, with all the demands on your husband’s time, and with all the issues you both face as a result of the job, it’s understandable that your sex life would take a hit. It’s hard to find the time or feel the emotional connection you need to really make the sparks fly.
And the thing is, while sex is sometimes seen as an aside in your marriage, it’s a huge mistake to underestimate its importance. It’s an essential part of your marriage, because it’s not just about the physical connection. When you connect physically with your husband, you also connect spiritually and emotionally.
There’s a reason the word “know” is used in reference to sex in the bible – because it really is a deep connection between two people.
If you’re in a rut right now where sex gets pushed aside a lot, or you grudgingly do it and feel like it’s just doing a favor to your husband, I want to help you out.
This week, my post is all about how to get the spark back in your marriage and make sure sex stays a priority – and that you both truly enjoy and get to look forward to it.
How To Have An Amazing Sex Life as a Police Couple
Communicate in each others’ love language.
Okay, this isn’t strictly a sex tip, but hear me out.
Typically, as a woman, you’re going to want to feel loved and appreciated before you have sex with your husband, whereas sex helps your husband feel loved and appreciated (again, generally speaking.) It might be different in your relationship, but typically one of you will want one before the other, and vice versa.
As a result, it’s super important to communicate to him what’s most important to you. What do you need emotionally before you connect with him physically – and vice versa? What makes him feel most loved by you?
If you’re not sure what your “official” love language is, you can take the free Love Language quiz here. Trust me when I say it’s an incredibly helpful tool to understanding each other better, which is great for making all aspects of your marriage more fulfilling.
When you do what matters most to each other every day, connecting physically is easier (and way more fun!)
Make the time you have count.
I know your time as a couple is pretty limited, especially if you have kids, you work, too, or he’s on night shifts (or all three!) But that doesn’t mean you can’t make the time you have together count.
When you have time together, make the decision to really focus on that time together. Put down electronic devices for a bit and do something together – even if it’s watching a movie or something.
I mean, a quickie is great, but even if what you’re doing isn’t inherently sexual, using the time you have together can help build every single part of your relationship – including your sex life. Especially if you make the time to kiss, hug, and touch (even without a sexual intent!) it can make for a good build-up for when you do have the time and inclination to connect physically.
Whatever time you have together, make it awesome!
Have fun together.
If you and your husband are in a routine where you do the same thing every time, maybe it’s time to switch things up.
For one thing, remember that you don’t necessarily need to have intercourse every time. You can focus on foreplay and just have fun together. There’s definitely something fun about going back to the early days of your relationship and doing the things that aren’t usually the “main course” these days.
There are also a lot of fun ways to spice things up I’ve seen via Pinterest and The Dating Divas, like:
- The Dating Divas Sexy Subscription Box: Super fun and customizeable! This is a great idea for a birthday gift (or maybe a police academy graduation gift, depending on your guy :))
- 7 Day Sex Challenge: A week-long challenge to address and overcome all the obstacles you and your husband face in your sex life.
- 5 Senses Bedroom Edition: This would make for a really fun date night!
- Sex Games for Couples: Just an idea I found on Pinterest – lots of fun, easy games to play to switch things up.
- The Game of Love: If you’re creative, you can make this with an old sheet and some Sharpies, or they also have it available to purchase.
Seriously – sex is supposed to be fun. So have fun!
Fantasize – the right way.
I found this article on fantasizing about your husband a few months ago, and I loved it so much. It seems so simple, but it’s not something I ever thought of.
And as a police wife, you’ve got a huge leg up. You might get annoyed with badge bunnies only being interested in men in uniform, but the truth is – there’s truth to the phrase “there’s something about a man in uniform.” Just sayin’.
But when it comes down to it, your mind is incredibly powerful. Thinking about your husband like this, focusing on the things that drive you crazy (in a good way) about him, getting all hot and bothered about him? It’s bound to make not only your sex life better, but help your bond in general be deeper – because you’re focusing more on the good stuff.
Fantasizing about your husband is a great way to help heat things up and improve your attitude toward the tough things in this life.
Nothing is a faster killer of libido than being super stressed all the time. With all the things you have on your plate as a police wife, that’s definitely something to pay attention to.
Whether you have kids and stay at home, whether you work outside the home (with or without kids!), you’ll need time for yourself. You deserve to take time to do things that are just for you; things that feed your soul and help you decompress when you feel like you’re going crazy.
If there’s a sport you love to play or some sort of group activity you love to take part in, make time for it! Even if you need to get a regular sitter to do so. If you love crafting, find the time to do it. If you’re a bookworm, log some time at the library and read the new book you’ve been dying to read.
Whatever makes you tick, make the time to do it. And if you need ideas, I have a whole list of ideas to care for yourself here 🙂
By the way, your husband may need the same thing. I mean, there are a lot of men for whom sex is the best de-stresser, but others need to unwind after crappy shifts before they can connect physically – which is a good thing to know before you plan a surprise romp when he arrives home and wind up feeling deflated because he’s not into it.
If that’s the case, figure out what he needs to de-stress. He might benefit from a 20-minute stretch of alone time to lay in bed and just let his day roll off him, or he might rather play video games for 20 minutes, or whatever. Talk to him about what will help him most and do your best to accommodate it – which, again, will help every part of your relationship.
Reducing both of your stress levels is a great way to improve your sex life.
Focus on how you feel, not how you look.
I think every woman, regardless of body size, shape, color, whatever, feels self-conscious about at least one part of her body.
And unfortunately, I think we tend to fixate on that part (or those parts) that we like the least, and worry about them the most – even when our minds should be elsewhere.
See, if you’re constantly focused on what you look like and worried about whether it’s good enough for your husband, it’s going to distract you from actually enjoying being intimate with your husband. It’ll make you less focused on the good stuff, and focused on stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter.
What you’ve got to remember is that your husband loves your body – flaws and all! Because it’s you. It’s the body of the woman he loves with all his heart, who he’s committed his life to. While it may change, especially after babies and over time in general, his love for you won’t – which means you can take the pressure off yourself to look perfect.
The more you can focus on what you’re feeling instead of what you look like, the more you’ll enjoy your sex life.
Avoid destructive outside forces.
Something I want to quickly warn you against: don’t use porn to liven up your sex life.
I see if a lot: people think if they watch it with their partner, it’ll help make things more exciting. And I get it. I can understand the allure to an extent.
The thing is, porn is not something you want to bring into your relationship. It’s more likely to make you more uncomfortable with yourself, more likely for you and you husband to view each other as sexual objects versus actual people, and generally glamorizes a sexual ideal you don’t want to bring into your bedroom.
Even sexting is something you’ll want to think carefully about, for a number of reasons.
You can read more about the destructive impact of pornography at Fight the New Drug.
If you need a little extra help getting your sex life with your husband on track, my absolute favorite book on the subject is The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire. It’s incredibly comprehensive, funny, and enlightening. Whether you’re a virginal newlywed who’s still learning the ropes (so to speak) or you’ve been at this for years, it’s an excellent resource. I highly recommend it! You can purchase a copy here.
Don’t languish in the rut you’re in. Take the time to feed your relationship and improve your sex life, and I promise – both of you will be happier and more relaxed for it. 🙂