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Worried because you’re feeling far away from your husband? Here are 3 pieces of advice for reconnecting with your husband.
A little over a year ago, we went to my husband’s best friend’s police academy graduation. They worked together for years doing security, and they’ve been best friends ever since. It’s awesome to see how far they’ve both come, and we were super excited for him.
But it definitely brought back memories of my husband’s graduation – ones I haven’t thought about for a long time.
His time in the academy was rough, which I’m sure you can relate to. A lot of police wives say the academy and FTO is the hardest time of the job, and I get it.
On top of the normal stresses of the academy, we were also living with my in-laws (with whom we struggled to see eye to eye with) in a new small town. Which means, on top of not knowing hardly anybody, the few people I did know weren’t the most warm and fuzzy.
I ended up spending 4 days of the week hiding in my room, watching TV, and trying to find ways to pass the time – all the while, feeling lonely and homesick.
Oh, and did I mention I was pregnant? The hormones didn’t help.
So with all this, when it came time to go to his graduation, I felt all sorts of conflicting emotions.
I was happy he’d be back with me after this, and we could finally get things in order – together. I was mad because of everything I’d had to deal with while he was off doing exciting things. I was disappointed because I hadn’t made any progress in finding a place for us to live on our own.
As a result, when they played a slideshow as we were being seated of the photos taken during the academy, it felt like a stab to the heart. I couldn’t help but feel incredibly jealous.
Those photos were proof that he’d been learning, growing, even occasionally goofing off and having fun without me. They proved he’d been living another life – one I hadn’t been a part of. And in the meantime, I’d been floundering.
I’m not proud of the fact I felt this way – but I’m betting I’m not alone.
At some time or another as a police wife, it’s really hard to realize your husband turns into someone else at work. That he has a life that’s completely separate from you, one he’s usually pretty reluctant to share with you.
It’s not surprising that this is fertile breeding ground for feeling distant, unloved, and underappreciated by your husband – not to mention jealousy about the coworkers who get to see the side of him you don’t. And it’s something I want you to recognize, because it can ultimately be a huge threat to your marriage.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution when you’re feeling this way, but I want to offer a few suggestions for how to feel more connected to your officer.
How To Feel More Involved In Your Officer’s Life
Connect whenever you have an opportunity.
Whenever you have a free moment to spend bonding with your officer, do it! Even though you live in different worlds most of the time, it doesn’t mean you can’t meet somewhere in the middle once in a while.
Maybe you’re both into board games and you can etch out some time for a round of Scrabble (or Monopoly, if you’re brave). Maybe you play a game via an app on your phone when you each have a chance. Maybe you just watch an episode or two of a show together.
Whatever you need to do, make the time to connect with each other.
Be there for him when he’ll let you – in the way he needs you.
I realize cops don’t always talk about what’s on their mind. I get it, completely.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him. It just means you have to be really careful to pay attention to what he needs from you most.
Maybe that’s just quietly snuggling in bed. Do it!
Maybe he’ll want to go for a late night drive and listen to music with you.
Maybe you just sense something is wrong and can find a way to cheer him up, like making him something special for dinner or for dessert, or whatever thing you think he’d like.
Maybe he will want to vent about what happened without judgment or problem-solving. Try to let him vent without judging him or interjecting (added because I’m totally a problem-solver, and have a hard time letting my hubby uninterruptedly vent!)
Whatever the case may be, do what you can to be there for him when he’s had a hard day on the job.
Make sure you’re living the life you want to live.
All right, honestly, this tip has more to do with feeling better about your situation overall rather than feeling connected to your officer.
The thing is, in addition to feeling more involved in your husband’s life, you also need to keep living the life you want to live. If you don’t, you’ll feel the need to be over-involved in his world, which can make you feel desperate, make him feel annoyed, and generally cripple your marriage.
Instead, you’ve got to find “your thing”; the thing that’s just yours, that you get to be excited about, that you can share with him when you each rehash your days during your time together. That thing, whatever it is, is going to help you feel more fulfilled and less anxious about the ways in which you and your husband live in different worlds.
Whether that thing is crafting, learning a second language, joining some sort of interest group, taking a class, whatever, do the thing that makes you happy. Do what makes your soul come alive.
It can be hard to feel connected with your officer with all the demands of his job, but with a little creativity and an improved mindset, you can do this!