Is your marriage struggling? If you’re tired, overwhelmed, and ready to call it quits, please consider these 7 good reasons to stay married.
Truth time: Marriage is hard.
It doesn’t matter the details of your marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve just gotten married or whether you’ve been married for 20 years. It doesn’t matter what you each do for a career or if one of you doesn’t work.
It’s just hard. The exact details of what makes it that way is always going to be different for different couples, but nobody escapes without troubles.
But sometimes, you hit a point that makes you question if any of it is even worth it. Right?
If you’re here, I’m thinking you’ve hit that point – and I’m so sorry! It’s a tough place to be. But I’m really glad you reached out at all – it makes me think you really do want this to work.
And with that in mind, here are the seven big reasons you should give your marriage another shot.
7 Reasons To Stay Married When You Feel Like Letting Go
Divorce is expensive and complicated.
The average cost to divorce your spouse is between $15,000-$30,000 (source). Holy moly.
I don’t know about you, but that’s about what’s left to pay on my student loans. And, you know, the higher end is our other debt. Gulp. That hurts enough.
Paying that much to have a formal break up? Not a fan.
And expense aside, there’s a lot of time and effort involved in dividing up your stuff, finding new places to live, trying to make things fair, etc. It’s a lot of complicated, unpleasant work just to end your marriage.
Think of the children.
I’ve heard it said that “staying together for the kids” is a crappy reason to stay married, but I disagree (for the most part – there are totally exceptions).
Divorce is incredibly hard on children. And not just the actual split, but the life thereafter.
There’s moving from house to house all the time. There’s the uncertainty of the holidays. There’s the fear when their parents start dating again and the uncertainty when they get remarried.
That’s a lot to take.
And heck, while we’re at it, think of yourself. Because co-parenting is not easy or fun. I mean, it’s doable, and obviously people have been there, done that.
But tell me honestly – Do you want to have to make arrangements for holidays, where you only get to see your kids on either Thanksgiving or Christmas, or however you have it arranged? Doesn’t sound fun to me, either.
Oh, and the idea of sharing your kids with a stepmom? Seriously. What a PITA.
2/3 of unhappy marriages will be happy within 5 years.
Here’s the big one: there’s a good chance you’re cutting-and-running way too fast.
This is according to Tim Keller in his book, The Meaning of Marriage. That means there’s a pretty good chance that even if you’re struggling in your marriage right now, you’ll look over at your spouse within 5 years from now and be incredibly grateful that you stayed.
After all, you’ll have a happy marriage, you’ll have saved $15,000, and you won’t have to worry about custody arrangements. So use some of that money you saved and take your husband to the Melting Pot or something and reconnect 😉
But really, there’s a good chance what you’re feeling right now is only temporary – and it’s always a bad idea to make permanent changes based on temporary feelings.
It’s unlikely there’s someone better out there.
This sounds like a dig at your spouse, but that’s not how I mean it.
What I mean is, there’s no such thing as the perfect man. There’s literally nobody out there who isn’t going to frustrate you sometimes, even if it’s just in a different way.
Wouldn’t it be devastating to go through the long, complicated, expensive process of divorce, only to find that hey, dating sucks! Sure, you’ll find people different from your spouse. That’s obvious.
But better? That’s a pretty big gamble.
Related Post: Why Being Incompatible With Your Spouse Is A Good Thing
You might be missing out on improving yourself.
I’ve learned there’s very little (if anything) that happens in life that’s not designed to teach you something – from the best things to the worst things.
If you cut and run when you hit a hard place, you’re depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn what you need to learn.
To quote the country song, sometimes you just gotta keep going if you’re going through hell. When you get to the other side, you’ll probably find there are things you needed to let go of that got burned away in the process – and that’s what’s going to make you better.
And what’s life about if it’s not about learning and growing?
Related Post: The One Thing To Stop Praying For If You Want To Be Happier
You’d be letting go of the legacy you’ve built.
Think back on all the memories you have with your husband. I mean, really. Go back to the beginning and think about the day you first met. Think about how you felt when he first held your hand, when you first said “I love you” to one another.
Think about the days when you were first starting to make plans – real plans – for the future. For marriage. For kids. For a house. For everything.
If you have kids together, think about finding out you were pregnant. What you talked and dreamed about during pregnancy. Think about when you went into labor and when you had the baby.
Think about all of it – and realize that if you get a divorce, that’s all there is of that legacy. If you give up your marriage, you give up the opportunity for those dreams and plans to flourish. It means starting over completely.
I’ve felt it when friends have gotten divorced – the feeling that a death has occurred. That’s the death of the legacy and the life you’ve built together thus far, because when you get divorced, that life built together ceases to exist. It doesn’t mean it never existed (just like the death of a person), but that’s as far as it goes.
It’s just an extremely sad thought.
There’s no such thing as the perfect marriage.
Can I tell you something? Everyone struggles in their marriage. Your marriage isn’t broken just because it has flaws – it’s 100% normal.
I promise you, even the couples you think have it all together absolutely don’t. Because I’ve been friends with couples I thought were perfect, and when I learned about their struggles, I was shocked (and comforted) to know they looked a lot like mine.
Your marriage is a living, breathing thing. Sometimes it’s full of life and energy and is absolutely awesome. Sometimes it’s sluggish and needs a little extra TLC.
It’s okay if you go through periods of passionate love for your spouse and periods where you just tolerate each other. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you.
What truly matters is how you deal with it.
Look. I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage. I don’t know what you specifically are struggling with.
But what I do know is this:
- Being married is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.
- Marriage is 100% worth the trouble.
So please – take a deep breath. Know we’ve all been there. And give your marriage (and that spouse of yours) another shot.
Beautifully said and great advice. My parents fought so much when I was little, but now they have the best marriage ever. Working through the rough patches makes us so much stronger and you can really feel the joy because you have experienced the opposite. xo
I wish my husband would read this. Maybe I can have our daughter send it to him.
The item on legacy made me want to leave more. When i look back on how we started i just feel sad, like i sold myself short. We married too fast for the wrong reasons and while it’s been good for us, i feel that i missed out on a lot of the nice things that people talk about in their dating and engagement stories. Plus, when people talk about what they miss about being married, i often feel like i either never had it or it’s long gone. Functionally I’m operating as a single person, and most of our legacy is very painful. Yes, i would have to start over. That’s the whole point. I wouldn’t be killing my marriage with a divorce. I’d be giving it a fitting funeral.
Sorry, but this is way too vague, and only addresses marriages that are what I would call their infancy. The only real true point would be the cost of divorce.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Sometimes I just dream about a life alone with my child (I really dated a lot younger so I am done in that department)
But since I am a child of divorce myself I think a lot of this.
Plus, he is a great dad. My daughter adores him and well deserved, how could I take something like that to her?
There are days that I do not tolerate him not because he is mean to me, but because he is cranky at times but I guess every man has their days right?
And he is loving, faithful, working, provider, so I guess maybe is a personal rough patch for me???
Thank you for writing this you were like a warming blanket to me.
Julie