Husband always angry? When it feels that way, there are ways to help him – while maintaining your own sanity, too!
I’m not sure what’s harder: when your husband comes home devastated from a shift or when he comes home unreasonably ornery.
Sure, it can be hard to discuss the hard stuff. And sometimes your husband has no interest in talking about what’s bugging him at all, and that can keep you a little on edge.
But anger? That’s a lot harder to deal with.
It’s harsher. It’s uglier. And it’s a lot less likely to make you want to help him.
It’s much more likely to make you want to kick him in the middle of the night or steal the blankets just out of spite.
There are also some days – weeks – maybe even months – where it feels like your husband is always angry.
Sometimes, it feels like you’re trying to find the silver lining of crappy situations, and he won’t stop kvetching about the big, ugly, gray cloud in the middle of it.
Like, thanks, Eeyore.
It’s so frustrating and hard to deal with, and it’s unfortunately a common occurrence when your spouse is faced with the stresses that naturally come with law enforcement life.
But if you feel like your husband is always angry, how can you help him without losing your cool yourself – or, for that matter, your mind?
Husband Always Angry? Here’s How To Help While Keeping Your Cool
First, honestly assess how his anger affects you.
This is important because there are absolutely different levels of anger, and some are much more tolerable than others.
Does his anger just get on your nerves because you wish he could be more positive, or do you find yourself actually afraid of him?
Is he critical and jaded about the world in general (as cops can tend to become), or is he very specifically critical of you?
If you’re wanting to help your husband with his anger because you want a more peaceful home and genuinely want him to be happier, that’s one thing.
If you’re hoping you can temper his anger because you fear for your safety or that of your children, that’s a whole different story, one that should be more seriously considered.
It’s normal for people to be grumpy. It’s especially normal to occasionally be snippy and unreasonable with those you love most – but violence is never okay.
If that’s what you’re experiencing, I want you to stop reading now and head over to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call them at 800.799.SAFE (7233) (I especially recommend the latter if you’re concerned your internet usage is being tracked – which would definitely be another red flag.)
You can only help so much – but first and foremost, you deserve to be safe.
If your “husband always angry” situation sounds more like the benign type of anger I described vs. the more toxic kind, keep reading.
Next, get praying.
Before you take any action, get praying.
God can help you prioritize your energy and help you be more effective in helping your husband with his anger.
Pray specifically for your husband in dealing with this problem.
Pray to understand his heart and where his anger comes from. Ask for God to highlight all the wonderful things about your husband, especially when he makes you so frustrated you just want to scream (I get it!).
Pray about your own hurt and for your own healing. Ask for help as you learn how to deal with things gracefully while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Take anything and everything that’s on your mind with this issue and bring it to God.
After all, God promises that if you cast your cares on Him, He will sustain you (Psalm 55:22).
Believe in that promise and act on it with the faith that God will keep His end of the deal.
Find a way to see the man behind the anger.
Prayer is a great way to start this, but you also have to take intentional action to see the man you love behind the person who is currently acting like a total jerk.
Think about where his anger may be coming from.
Is he feeling extra stressed out because of something at work? I mean, we all know law enforcement is stressful at the best of times, let alone when there’s a pitchfork mob waiting in the wings for you to screw up, but is there anything else going on at work that’s getting under his skin, like a disagreement with a coworker or a supervisor who has become super nitpicky?
Is there something that’s upsetting him within your family, like trouble with your kids or stress over finances or debt repayment?
Is he feeling depressed over a tough call he recently had to make at work?
Is he feeling lonely and needs extra time with a friend who he can vent to or just hang out with?
It’s hard to say where your “husband always angry” problem is coming from, but anger pretty much always has an underlying root cause.
It doesn’t exist all by itself.
By finding ways to empathize with your husband, you may find yourself not only less emotionally triggered by his behavior, but also better able to come up with solutions to help him tackle that underlying problem.
Don’t make it a big thing. If men in general aren’t big talkers, LEOs are like, ten times that.
If possible, don’t ask him about what’s eating at him when he’s in the midst of a particularly bad mood – that’s a good way to make him more defensive.
Instead, when things are kind of calm, say something like, “I noticed you seem a little on edge lately. Is there anything I can help you with?”
If he’s anything like my husband, he’ll more than likely say he’s fine the first time you bring it up. Don’t take it personally. He just might not be ready to talk about it yet, and that’s okay.
When that happens, I just say, “No problem – just remember I’m here for you!”
I tend to consider that my “opener” – letting him know I’ve noticed him feeling off and that I’m there to help, with a subtle hint of, “Hey, not a fan of this, can you find a way to cut it out?”
Sometimes, just the acknowledgement is enough to wake him up to the fact he needs to do things differently.
In any case, beginning a conversation (even if it won’t be continued for a few days) helps him remember you’re on his side without getting too mushy and making him feel backed into a corner.
If your husband is ready to talk, get talking!
Be open, honest, and as diplomatic as possible when you tell him what you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel.
If he’s not? There are still things you can do.
Find ways to show him a little extra love, whether it’s packing something extra in his lunch box, leaving love notes around the house, or getting a few of his usual chores done so he doesn’t have to.
What you choose will totally depend on his love language.
Need help getting started? Try checking out this list of ways to make your officer’s entire day.
I know you’re busy enough without doing anything extra, but even just taking an additional five minutes out of your day to make your husband feel more loved and cared for can have a bigger impact than you can imagine.
Again, if you want to make this step even more powerful, pray about it – God knows and loves your husband more than even you do, so trust that He can help you care for him!
Okay, okay, but how do you deal with his anger in the moment?
I know some of you are thinking – that’s great advice on helping your husband feel better when he’s always angry, but how do I deal with his anger when it’s brimming to the surface?
No worries – I have advice for that, too.
Keep your cool.
When it comes to this subject, I always find myself thinking of Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”
There’s something to be said for keeping control over your own anger and not getting angry back.
After all, it’s hard to continue arguing with someone who refuses to argue with you.
That being said, if you do lose it, try to apologize and continue more level-headedly as soon as you recognize it.
It’s hard to do, I know – but being the first to apologize, even if he’s potentially more “wrong” than you are, is a good way to bring peace back to the conversation.
If you can’t, ask that you both walk away and discuss things later.
Loving your husband doesn’t mean you have to put up with him being completely unreasonable, all the time.
No matter the reason behind your husband’s anger, you have the right to say, “I don’t like being spoken to like that.”
Might it make him more angry? Sure. Nobody likes being called out.
But that doesn’t matter, really, not in the long run.
You don’t have to be rude back – in fact, as I said, doing so really just adds fuel to the fire. But you can and should advocate for yourself!
If he continues? You are free to walk away and ask to continue the conversation later, with more level heads.
You deserve respect, especially from those you love most – no matter what they’re struggling with.
Need more advice on fighting respectfully with your spouse? Check out this post.
I know it can be tough to keep your cool when it feels like you’re married to Mr. Negativity, but there are definitely ways to deal with it!
God is with you – remember that this, too, shall pass. And in the meantime, you’ve got help!
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- How To Live A Positive Life As A Police Wife