About to marry a police officer? Veteran police wives share their BEST advice for new police wives in this post. It’s a must-read!
So you’re about to marry a police officer. Congratulations! I’m so excited for you 🙂 There’s so much for you to look forward to.
I mean, no. This life isn’t easy, and I’m sure you have plenty of fears about it. I completely understand that!
I was the same way a few years ago. I mean, my husband wasn’t a deputy yet, but I knew it’s what he wanted to do. I remember feverishly searching for information about what to expect. So if you’re here from a Google search like I was, you’re in good company.
I wanted to get lots of different perspectives for this post, so I asked subscribers and members of the support group to weigh in with the advice they’d give to someone who was about to marry a police officer. They knocked it out of the park, and I’m so excited to share all the advice with you.
Before we get into this post, I wanted to take a second to give a shout out to its sponsor, Thin Blue Line USA.
They’re an amazing supporter of law enforcement, and just an awesome company overall!
For one thing, they make consistent donations to non-profits including the National Law Enforcement Memorial Fund, C.O.P.S. and scholarships for children of police officers – plus they always have at least one item in stock whose proceeds are donated 100% to charity. I love supporting a company who supports what matters.
Second of all, they make super cute, high-quality stuff.
I’m obsessed with the rings we received from them. They’re beautiful, and super strong. They’re made completely from tungsten carbide, which is twice as strong as steel.
Nice for a husband who’s hard on his rings 🙂
And their shirts? LOVE. I actually wear Thin Blue Line USA shirts more than just about any other because they’re so cute, and they’re longer than most t-shirts which means I don’t have to worry about unnecessarily exposed skin.
And they’re crazy affordable for such good quality. I’m talking $39 (without discounts/promos, which they frequently have :)) for their wedding bands. Try finding that price point and that quality anywhere else!
Plus, they’ve provided me with a special discount code for you guys: Use the coupon code LOVEBLUES15 for 15% off their already super-reasonable prices.
Without further ado, on to the advice!
The Best Advice for New Police Wives
Communication
“It’s so important to communicate about how you’re feeling, especially on the hard days, and in a productive way. Don’t yell at the other person. Have a conversation and be open because you and your LEO are in it together.“ -Amanda M.
“Communication is key….You never know if they will be held late or called in. Holidays may have to be on a different day. But, just keep talking and being upfront on how you feel. ” -Michelle
“Communicate when shifts are, how days were, what expectations are, and how you’re feeling, really about any and everything. Communication should be open and honest, no matter what. By establishing a clear channel of communication with your husband, you both set the standard that any issues/pains/celebrations/etc will get talked out…respectfully. He can’t know how you’re feeling without you telling him, and vice versa…. Also, don’t just talk to vent, try to figure out a solution with each other if needed.” -Lauren R.
“I have been with my fiance for 6 years, since he started the police academy for NYC. I work for the fire department for NY. Our schedules suck so much. Understanding each other’s schedules [is] harder than it seems. A lot of fights happen. A lot of disagreements because one person can not take off a certain day than the other. You would think we would understand each other because we both work in similar [fields]. Don’t fight about it. Sit down, talk, express feelings and hug it out. And I know that sounds easier said than done! Every day we learn lessons from each other and that’s to just love each other. Hug and never let go until the anger is gone!!” -Future Mrs. 19877
“Communicate always. That goes with every couple though. Too many arguments start over a missed communication.” -Shannon M.
Fighting
“The next piece of advice I would give would be if you are arguing to separate yourselves for a little bit. Then come back and talk about it a little later, I have found that it works best, because both of us could have had a bad day and just need to relax before talking about a certain situation.” -Anonymous
“Try to keep things light. In a new marriage, it can be easy to have really high expectations for everything. And, odds are, your new spouse’s expectations are different than yours. Be sure to talk about issues as they arise instead of letting them fester. Take things a little less seriously and remember to always be kind. Your way doesn’t have to be the “right” way. “ -Treasure @ Treasured Mom
“Respect each other. Wrong or right with hardships, it’s an adventure! Don’t forget to have fun with it together! Don’t forget to laugh and do things out of the blue. It keeps things fresh and lively!” -Anonymous
“Don’t continuously nag them. Pick your battles. My husband told me after he first started his job that he dealt with other people’s problems all day & the last thing he wanted was to listen to me gripe. Instead, pick a good time to bring up an issue that’s worth mentioning in a calm tone and talk about how it’s affecting you. And then let it go! It does wonders!!” -Anonymous
“Never allow him to leave for work when either of you is mad. Settle it–or agree to discuss it later, but always kiss him goodbye. By the time “later” comes, you may have forgotten what all the fuss was about in the first place.” Jen P.
Related Post: How Fighting Can Actually Help Your Marriage Grow – If You Do It Right
Independence
“Get used to doing things alone. Get used to going places alone. Get used to handling situations alone. Do all within your power to make home his safe place, where he can lay it all down and rest.“ Jen P.
“Get comfortable being alone and feeling comfortable doing things yourself. Your LEO may not be around for family activities, he may sleep all day, he may not help around the house as much as you’d like, and date night might be pizza and Netflix more often than not. That’s okay! Take advantage of the alone time – watch your guilty pleasure tv shows, take up a new hobby, relish the time that you have with him.” -Anonymous
“Keep busy during his shifts. Try your best to accomplish things while they’re working but don’t feel upset if you aren’t able to.” -Anonymous
“Life as an LEO wife is never easy, fair or equal. They work crazy long hours, and you have to buy-in to “the life”. It’s really hard, especially when you start a family, but NEVER keep score. It WILL turn into an argument and no one wins.” -Serenity
“Know that sometimes you might feel alone or like a single parent because you end up doing things without them by your side (don’t let their absence stop you from enjoying activities, by the way), but even if you feel alone because you don’t see each other on “normal” hours, you aren’t alone. So when you start to feel that way, communicate with your spouse – not your coworker or friend or family. Turn back and talk to your spouse and make some time for each other even if it’s doing something simple. You can’t solve problems within your marriage by looking outside the marriage.“ -Anonymous
Related Post: How To Feel More Connected and Less Lonely As A Police Wife
Flexibility
“Be prepared for a lot of compromising as your life revolves around their crazy hours and schedules. You have to be just as flexible and understanding as they are when they have to adjust to things changing unexpectedly.” -Anonymous
“Be flexible with your schedule and calendar… or better yet, throw out the calendar and create your own based on your LEO’s work schedule. By being flexible, you will quickly adapt to the ups and downs of his schedule. Speaking as a wife of a LEO who is not only on SWAT, but is also a homicide detective, you quickly realize that you can never predict their schedule. It’s tough, and at times, can be disappointing when you have to be alone for activities with kids, family gatherings, church, etc. But, you are not alone. There’s a whole community of LEO spouses that understand the struggle. You get through it and obtain this overwhelming sense of pride of what they took an oath to do. Don’t fight it…embrace it!” -Sworn Wifey
“Sometimes you just have to be flexible. They may work every holiday that year, but the important thing is they come home to you. Holidays can be celebrated a day before or the day after. Time together is the most important thing no matter the day.” -Shannon M.
“I try to always be the “soft spot” for him to land after shift. It’s not always easy, but I would rather him WANT to come home, than stress about what I’m going to say if he’s late. Forgive him for that too, because he would probably rather be home than working overtime again, and it’s usually out of his control.” -Serenity
Related Post: 3 Things To Remember When Your Husband Cancels Again
Quality Time
“You may need to go out of your way to spend quality time with each other. My husband was on third shift when we first got married and we could easily go 3 days without seeing each other due to our work/sleep schedules conflicting. Sometimes, after his shift ended he would have an hour or two to spare before he had court so I would wake up earlier than usual and we would meet up for breakfast before I went to work! Honestly that’s all we needed sometimes was to share a meal together! His schedule will most likely suck for a while but you will learn how to make the most of it.” -Chelsea
“Make time for your marriage, no matter how crazy it gets. Not always a night out, but even just a night in with a movie and wine, or just a quick coffee break. It’s important and will help keep you both sane.” -Anonymous
“Since your husband will probably be working shifts that don’t fit into normal life, make the most of your time together. When he is home, make him your priority. And don’t get mad if he needs to sleep! He needs his rest. You want him to be physically up to do whatever he is called upon to do.“ -Jen P.
“Don’t stop pursuing each other. Wear the sexy lingerie. Flirt with him in public. Love him hard. Life is too short to not pursue your spouse “ -Anonymous
“Make a real effort for physical contact and sex. Especially if you are on opposite schedules, that can be really difficult to make time for, since he’s sleeping when you’re awake and vice versa. Take full advantage of the days he has off, and find time during the week to show him you love him! No matter how annoyed or mad you are, never send him to work angry. Really try to resolve arguments before he leaves, and ALWAYS tell him “I love you” and kiss him goodbye before his shift.” -Anonymous
“It’s okay to say no to others in order to prioritize your relationship!“ -Ashley
Night Shifts
“Being the wife of a night shift officer isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be. You have half a week where you can do the things your LEO doesn’t want to do, hang out with friends, or binge watch shows on Netflix. I’ve seen so many LEO wives flip because their officer is working throughout the night and they don’t hear from him constantly. My advice would be to stop staring at the phone and driving yourself crazy. The best part of him being on the night shift is that you’re asleep for most of his shift so it passes by more quickly. Whatever happens out in the world is going to happen whether you’re awake or not, and you don’t want your LEO to be distracted because you’re constantly checking in on him. Take up a hobby, adopt a puppy, or have some type of routine that makes you look forward to the time by yourself. “ -Caitlan B.
“If he is late and you don’t get a phone call or text in the middle of the night, everything is fine. I understand that sounds crazy, especially if you’re new to the law enforcement spouse thing, but I learned the hard way. I used to wake up in the wee morning hours panicked my husband wasn’t home from his shift on time. I thought that meant something horrible had happened to him. And I used to pester him to text me or call me in the middle of the night to tell me he was going to be late so I wouldn’t worry. Then one night something did happen and I got a phone call. Then another one 6 months after that. If something bad happens, he WILL call you. He will want to hear YOUR voice. He will need YOU. And if he can’t call, they will call. His partner, his best friend, they will call you. It’s no lie, this is a family.” -Anonymous
“I learned not to make him feel guilty when he was so busy he forgot to text or call in the middle of the night. And now I sleep a whole lot better ;). Oh, and welcome to the family.” -Avena
Related Post: 10 Ways To Rock Night Shifts As A Police Wife
Work Talk
“Don’t get mad if he doesn’t want to talk about work with you. He may need to walk away from it while he’s home – and he may feel the need to protect you from it. “ -Jen P
“I’ve been with my LEO from high school. It was so hard watching him change physically, emotionally and mentally as he went through custody assistant to deputy and then out to patrol. We’ve been together for 6 years and are getting married this year so technically we’re newlywed but veterans as an LEO couple! It took me a long time to let him open up on his own with what he wanted to share with me. Sometimes prying to get him to open up about what happened made him feel worse when I just wanted to make him feel better. Leaving notes or doing little things like buying coffee for the mornings or packing extra t-shirts and undies in case he needs to stay really late at the station really made a difference for him and he eventually opened up when he felt ready. Also, specific nights just for the two of us to do something whether it was just relaxing at home or going out made me feel like I was still #1 in his life even though work took up most of his time/life.” -Anonymous
“Your spouse will need time to unwind after a long shift so let it happen. It’s tough with kids and wanting help when they get home, but even just an hour of a breather will make a difference to them. “ -Shannon M.
“They may not always want to talk about their day because it’s not always something they want to relive or whatever the reason, but when they do want to tell you – listen. Be the one they can turn to.“ -Anonymous
“Always remember that your LEO does love you, even when they get sleepy, cranky, stressed beyond belief, and irritable. Try to be as patient & understanding as possible.” -Beth B.
Related Post: How To Support Your Police Husband When He Doesn’t Want To Talk About It
Your New Blue Line Family
“Other spouses will typically become your new best friends. Let it happen. No one else quite gets it like someone that goes through it. You become like a second family and they’ll always be there to help you.” -Shannon M.
“I think first of all accepting this is a different lifestyle than most or all other jobs. In the military we were surrounded by only military. Here, it’s mixed with civilians and it’s hard when family/ friends do not have the same lifestyle. Having a strong community or just at least one other wife friend is huge! Since their jobs are so stressful, sometimes hearing our stressors can take a toll on them if we vent all the time. Having a friend to vent to and talk with helps SO much. It means the little time we spend with our spouses can be focused on positive experiences.“ -Emily
“As a female officer, contrary to popular opinion, I have zero interest in your spouse. I get left out of events because of jealous spouses and other females have had accusations flung simply for being in the same room. We have our own significant others, we don’t want yours. We want to be friends with you! “ -Dream
“You can’t pour into others if your bucket is empty. You and your husband both need to find a place to connect, where you are surrounded by people to share the struggles of life with.“ -Anonymous
“Find a support system for those crazy shifts that leave you lonely or worried. Another LEO wife would be perfect, as long as when you are together you aren’t complaining about how hard it is. Venting is fine, but ultimately, be proud of the job they do and support him in every way you can. Not many people are willing to wear the badge, and it takes an even stronger woman to support the men that do! “ -Serenity
“A plus to marrying a police officer is you gain a police family as well. I’ve been a dispatcher for 20 years and my husband an officer for 16 years. At some of the worst times in our lives I don’t know what I would’ve done without my blue line family! They provide a strength and shield of protection and comfort beyond measure!!” -Anonymous
Prayer
“To all the Christian wives out there, PRAY. Cover him with prayer. Ask the Lord to surround your husband with his mighty angels, so that no harm befalls him. Pray for his wisdom, his good judgment.” -Jen P.
“Keep God at the forefront of your marriage! Pray every day for your spouse… Being a LEO spouse comes with a few extra hurdles to go along with the normal ones, but if you both work at it daily, keep your priorities in check and keep God at the forefront…marriage and life is truly amazing! There will be bad, but good outweighs it every time! “ -Anonymous
“Pray pray pray! It’s pretty much the only thing that will get you through most shifts and through those hard times with your officer. Be supportive: it’s a calling for him, not just a job! And when it gets really frustrating just think about how many people he helps every day he calls on shift. “ Kacy S.
Related Post: 6 Most Important Ways To Pray For Police Officers
And for your LEO…
“To the Officer/husband – yes, being an officer is amazing and I thank you very much for what you do. But don’t forget your spouse/wife is more important than that! If she’s anything like me she’s gonna feel second best more than once. All those canceled plans and date nights tend to wear on us wives. [So take care of her.]“ Kacy S.
Listen. I know you’re so excited and so nervous. So what I want you to take away from this post, more than anything, is that you’re 100% not alone!
Welcome to the family 🙂
You speak of Flexiblity and Work Life… I have a question. My husband is in the academy has only nine weeks left and his work schedule once out will be day shift one week and nights the next and just continue to rotate as described. We have a five year old starting school next month, that being said I’ve been out of work the past two months I’m wanting to find a job but don’t know what because, the job will have to coinsign with both hubby and sons. Day car and sitters are too expensive and money is really tight. I’m not wanting a job working in a school or for a school or driving a bus or anything to do with children because work for me will be “my get away” so to say. Please any advice would be helpful!
Hey, Ashley! I can totally understand that. Personally, I’d look into jobs you can do from home to allow for more flexibility, if that’s feasible for you. I know some people just can’t be productive working at home, though, and I get it! If that’s the case, maybe try some freelancing type work – like house cleaning, pet sitting, or any number of other odd jobs? I suppose it depends on what you like to do and how much money you need to bring in. I hope that helps!
Hi Ashley,
What academy did your husband graduate from? My boyfriend graduated 8.3 from CHP- we dont have kids but I’m pretty much in the same boat. We moved about 200 miles northwest of where we’re from and life for myself got turned upside down… but as for the scheduling thing I ended up getting a job at a hotel- which is super flexible… may be an option too.
This was so helpful. Growing up, both of my parents were state troopers so I guess you could say I grew up in the LEO world. My husband started the police academy 1 week after we got home from our honeymoon and he’s due to graduate in a little over month. I’ve been having a lot of unexpected emotions as of late. We have a baby who is about to turn 1 and the majority of the parenting responsibilities have fallen on me. I didn’t realize how stressful it was to be a stay-at-home during the week, work on weekends, attend school full-time, raise my 1 infant, and worry to death about my husband all at the same time until I sat back and thought about it haha. Reading this article helped a lot though, thank you for writing this!
Great post, I understand everything that is being said here. But what advice do you have the the LEOs themselves? Reminding them that this is just as difficult on their wife and family members. Especially first wife and someone who has not been in a relationship with a LEO or member of the military with deployments, etc. What advice do you have or can refer to that serves as a reminder to them that they need to acknowledge and at least appreciate their new wife is in fact sacrificing just as much as he is when it comes to composing her own life? That we are just as much of a team at home together as he is with his buddies at work. That he has the sense of belonging, community and support but it doesn’t extend into his home here. That plans, ideas of how the relationship would be or was told it would be, and the future are completely different after the wedding day and after he has been set free on the streets. I hate hearing that “you knew what you were getting yourself in for” because if it was understood at the time or not that doesn’t mean you neglect the person that is supposed to be keeping your home your ‘safe place’ and always remaining flexible for him, always doing things alone, always waiting around for his schedule, always waiting around for him in general. What advice do you have to that explains they need to still look to the future with their wife and family and not always remain in the present unable to think about anything passed their next shift. Or even their own future, like promotions! I guess if there is common consideration within the relationship this wouldn’t be such an issue. But I am just tired of reading that the partner needs to bend over backwards to the point of excess and we/I should be OK to let go of common consideration, appreciation, or acknowledgement in general of what we have to do to keep things “normal” and calm for off duty hours.
Hi Guys!
Im struggling a little bit too. My husband to be (6 days and counting) is a vice & narcotics Police Sergeant and he is in charge of a crime center and about 20 detectives under him amonst many other things. He is so busy all the time and I feel like i havent seen him in over a week. Im trying to be supportive and understanding but i cant help but feel lonely. I have no family around and all my friends live far away. I dont know any other police wives either, which is why i was searching for a local police wives group. Anyways, yea, I am a little bit nervous because I dont want to feel like a second priority. More advices?
Thanks for reading. 😊