I remember the first time I saw my husband in his uniform. It blew my mind.
I mean, not only did he look super handsome (there’s something to be said about a man in uniform, after all ;)) and he’d shaved his face completely for the first time since I’d known him (so strange), but it reminded me of the new person he was becoming.
That uniform signified the new power and responsibility he had. It signified the commitment he’d made to protect and serve, no matter what it cost. Whether the cost was just a much-needed day off, or his safety, or even his life.
But that uniform also reminded me that with that commitment, I was now second in his life. Don’t get me wrong – when it’s his choice, I come first. But when it’s not? The job always comes first. No matter whether I’m sick, no matter if we have a newborn… if the world needs him, he’s there.
It was a lot like being married to Batman, I swear, and there was nothing more frustrating than when I need my husband and that bat signal showed up and took him away.
Because of all the sacrifices he had to make for the job, the statistic that we only have a 25% chance of making it was ever-present in my mind. With every frustration I experienced because of the job, I had to remember how important my marriage is to me. Being one of the 75% of law enforcement marriages that doesn’t make it was not good enough for me.
Because you know what? I’m determined. I’m not one to just give up in the face of adversity. Even now, the odds aren’t in our favor as a result of his chronic pain and our financial stress. The harder things get, though, the more determined I get to be successful. I want to beat the odds, and whatever it takes, my marriage is worth it – especially now that we have kids.
At times, the statistics about law enforcement marriage have scared me. Overall, though, they’ve been a catalyst to make me more careful, more intentional about caring for my marriage. It forces me to realize that the marriage of my dreams isn’t going to happen by chance. It’s going to happen because we worked for it.
If you want to divorce-proof your marriage, these 5 things are what you’ll want to focus on.
5 Elements of a Bulletproof Law Enforcement Marriage
Communication
Communication is hard to begin with – but combine it with long shifts, days without seeing each other, and a spouse who often doesn’t want to talk about his day? It’s a recipe for trouble.
What it really comes down to is communicating efficiently. That sounds sort of clinical, but seriously. Knowing how best to communicate with your spouse is way better than just doing what you think is best.
When we were first married, we took the free Love Languages test and it’s made all the difference. It’s easier to bridge any issues in communication if I know my husband thrives on physical touch versus, say, acts of service. It means if he’s bummed out, I know he’d prefer a hug and a kiss over me cleaning up around the house (which might be how I’d try to communicate love otherwise.)
We actually bought the book, which I’m sure is super useful… but the test itself was eye-opening enough (and we never got around to actually reading it – whoops!)
RELATED POST: How To Have An Amazing Sex Life Even As A Law Enforcement Couple
One aspect of communication that’s pretty unique to law enforcement marriage is the fact that you sometimes have to be okay with a lack of communication. There are times my husband didn’t want to tell me about his day… and I’m sure I don’t actually want to know what that day entailed. I’ve had to learn to be okay with not knowing every single thing about my husband and feel close to him still.
If you’re new to this life, just remember that everyone struggles with this, and it just takes time to get used to. You’ll eventually know by the way your husband walks in the door whether you’re going to know about his day or not, and how to help him through it. You’ll know how to feel close to him even if you’ll get silence if you ask, “How was your day?”
Regardless of how you struggle in this area, remember that it gets easier with practice 🙂
Trust
Trust and communication go hand in hand. Especially because your husband isn’t always going to tell you about his day – it’s one of the many things that might make you doubt him, and question whether he’s being forthright with you.
The other thing that can strain the trust you have in your husband is the demanding nature of his job. At first, it might be easy to commiserate with one another about how your date night got taken away because of a drunk driver. After a while, though, it might feel like it’s just you, that your husband would actually prefer to be out in his patrol car than alone with you.
Don’t let yourself feel that way.
Sure, the job is exciting. It’s fun. He does it because he loves it. But you know what he loves more? You. Your kids. Your family.
He wants to be there. He wants to take you on dates and attend family events. He wants to attend functions for the kids.
If you ever doubt it, ask him for the reassurance you need. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to oblige.
On the flipside, your husband also needs to be able to trust you. I have issues with saying I’m fine at times when I’m really not – but even a lie this small can be super bad for your marriage. Be honest with him, even when it’s hard.
Most of all, be a wife he can rely on. He faces enough uncertainty in his job: the best thing you can do for your marriage is to be his rock, his safe place, the thing that’s consistent when everything else is falling apart. Trust me, he’ll love you for it.
Flexibility
I am not a flexible person – by any means. I freak out when things don’t go according to plan and I hate when things aren’t in my control.
Which means being a law enforcement wife gave me lots of opportunity to practice being more flexible. I mean, that meant he was basically on call 24/7, even when he wasn’t, and sometimes he’d be supposed to be off at the perfect time to be home for dinner, but a parolee with paraphernalia ruins all our plans. It’s, um, exciting.
I spent a lot of time forcing myself to look for the silver lining, even when it’s razor thin. I reminded myself of extra overtime pay that we can use to pay down debt or save for a house. I’d find a show on Netflix I get to binge watch because there’s no way in heck he’d have watched it with me. I reminded myself how proud I was of him, even when it sucked at times.
Most of all, the unpredictable nature of your husband’s job is a great reminder to make the good times count. When you’re together, be together and enjoy each other. Don’t hold grudges! It ain’t worth it.
Speaking of which…
Forgiveness
You and your husband are going to come up short… a lot. There are times you’ll both be short-tempered, grumpy, and unpleasant to be around. It happens in all marriages, not just law enforcement marriages, so don’t be too put out by it. Just learn how to be more forgiving.
The thing is, it’s not possible for each of you to be perfect. It’s just not. So the better you are at forgiving one another and the faster you’re able to do so, the stronger your marriage is going to be.
If, instead, you focus on each other’s faults and shortcomings, you’re going to slowly chip away at your marriage’s foundation. No disagreement is worth that.
Find ways to communicate with one another when you’re disappointed with one another, try not to make the same mistake multiple times (and show yourself grace when you do), and always, always leave each other with a hug and a kiss.
Independence
It’s a good thing I’m pretty independent by nature, because I spend a lot of time alone. I think there are some people who thought “husband” was really a euphemism for “my imaginary friend”, but no! I swear he’s always been real. He just wasn’t always around that often.
Truly, it’s still a struggle, because I never know when his pain is going to peak and leave me to go to family/friend events alone.
Even with my natural independence, though, it can be hard. Sometimes I get irritated that I’m wrangling my son alone at church or that I have to go to (another!) family function without him. But it’s just part of the life.
The best thing I can do is to make plans for fun activities, even if he can’t join me. I take my son to the park or the zoo a lot, and go for a lot of walks. I take him to things even if it’s going to be hard to wrangle him. And the time I have completely to myself? I make the most of it.
Night shifts? They were always the best time to watch guilty pleasure shows with nobody around to judge me, and even enjoy a pint of ice cream like nobody’s watching. (I guess I could dance like nobody’s watching, but the ice cream is more fun ;))
But seriously – the more self-reliant you can learn to be, the better you (and your marriage) will thrive.
Marriage is hard, but it’s totally worth it. Remember that a good marriage won’t happen by accident – so be intentional about building the best marriage possible. It’s not about the difficulties you face – it’s about how you choose to respond to them.
What are some ways you’ve learned to thrive in your law enforcement marriage?
Melinda Reay says
I really love this piece that you did. Probably my favorite out of your entire blog. The first ride along my husband went on, the officer told him within a few minutes of the ride along: “just prepare now for divorce, it’s going to happen, probably a few times.” Yikes. Ever since, we’ve made it a big point to strengthen our marriage now so that when the going gets tough, we have enough “money in the account” as you would say to get through the difficult stuff. For us, we plan a weekly date night and switch off. I know that as an LEOW it won’t be as consistent, but again, starting now to bank for later. A few great books that I’ve read are: “I Love a Cop, Revised Edition: What Police Families Need to Know” by Ellen Kirschman, and The “Crazy Lives of Police Wives” by Carolyn Whiting. Both books provide great insight on tips and tricks of being an LEO wife. Another suggestion would be to expand on your love language thoughts. My husband and I received the CD “For All Eternity: A Four-Talk Set to Strengthen Your Marriage” by John Lund. We listened to the CD on our honeymoon to Yellowstone. It’s long, but so incredibly good! It expands on the Love Language thing, and includes a sample test to do so. The ideas on this CD are so good and are well worth it. (he also wrote a book called “For All Eternity”. I haven’t read it, but the talks were incredible so I’m sure that book is as well)
Leah says
I’m so glad you liked it! It’s by far my longest post, and the one I put the most time into so far. I actually haven’t read any of those books, but they all sound good! I’ll have to look into them. Thank you for your nice comment: I definitely appreciate you reading my blog! 🙂
Melinda Reay says
If you want any of the books, you can borrow them from me too. Just ask your husband to ask my husband at work to give them to you. I’ve already them through twice.
Leah says
Thank you! I’ll be sure to let you know 🙂
Sarah says
I agree with most of what you wrote. My husband and I are in our mid-thirties and have been at with his department for the last ten years. However, one things bothers me. The independence section. I can’t tell you how many times other police wives have named the ability to do outings and events solo as a marking of “good police wives”. Sadly, not every police wife can be as independent. I have been a midnight wife of two kids for years and I homeschool them both, but we don’t do outings without my husband much. I’m chronically ill, one of my children is learning disabled, and our family owns one car (which my husband takes to work). God allows me to feel self confidence that I’m doing my best despite my circumstances. I hope other LEOW’s know that they’re allowed to be imperfect too.
Leah says
I’m so glad you’ve found what works for you! I definitely hope the post didn’t come off as me saying what it takes to be a “perfect” LEO wife because, well, such a thing doesn’t exist! Every relationship has its own rhythm and requirements. No judgment here 🙂
Nicki says
I love this! I am a firefighter’s wife, not a law enforcement wife, but all of these things apply just the same 🙂 The “flexibility” is especially hard for me too. My husband sometimes gets called away at a moments notice to fight a forest fire for up to two weeks and I find it hard not to get annoyed, even though he has no choice. Thanks!
Leah says
Oh man, that sounds rough! I know LEOs and firefighters give each other a hard time sometimes, but solidarity sister ✊????
Mrs G says
To Sarah, we all have things we are good at and things that are really hard for us. For me I was pretty good at being independent except attending church. I dreaded going alone and hated sitting in the pew when everyone else sat with their spouse. I felt judged, lonely and was always on the verge of tears. As a LEOW it can be the loneliest place of all, and it shouldn’t be that way. Find a friend you can call on that can help you bear this burden.
One other piece of advice, make your marriage top priority right behind Jesus. Your kids will feel loved as long as they see how much you love your spouse. Don’t let your kids replace your love for your spouse.
Our marriage is still a work in progress, but we’re nearing 29 years of marriage and 27 years in LE. It can be done!
Leah says
Thank you so much for sharing – I totally agree with you. Church is a super lonely place to go alone! Especially when you’re wrangling a child or two (or more!) – it’s rough.
Congratulations on almost 29 years!!
Renee says
I get so much out of all your post. This one really hit home. I’m terrible with being flexable! I’m a planner to the core somtimes weeks and even months in advance but I’m learning to make all plans as a “if he can come” type of thing. My family has picked on me about my leo being an imaginary friend as well so i just had to share thos with them. Thanks so much for helping all of us ladies out there know we aren’t alone, the struggle is real.
Susan Osborne says
Loved your article, I too am the wife of a Police officer, married 33 years. My husband started out as a patrolman with an associates degree. He got his Bachelors Degree and Masters degree after working the night shift over a period of five years. As we started our family my husband worked nights as I worked full time during the day. We have 3 children, all grown and all very successful. When they were babies my husband would nap during the day when they napped and then go to sleep after dinner until he had to go to work 11-7. As my children and I helped him study for each promotional test we all worked together as a family. My kids know more about blood splatter, accident reconstruction, interrogation then I’m sure some police officers do! My husband has also taught for the past 17 years at a local community college. There are definitely pros and cons of a police officers family life! My husband went on many field trips over the years as every teacher loves having a police officer on a trip! I did attend many social events over the years by myself or me and the kids. My husband went from patrolman to Detective to Seargent, Lieutenant, Captain and is now Police Chief! Our family could not be more proud of him! It does take a lot of understanding, compromise, patience, commitment and love! There have been many nights being woken by the phone and being called out but I wouldn’t change our lives for the world!!!
Mireille says
Thank you so much for writing this blog! I am a brand new Law Enforcement Wife, my husband just started his first shift this week, and tonight is his first midnight. I really needed to read this, I realise that there will be alot of challenges, and only when he graduated Police College was i realising that our marriage might change, because he will no longer be a “citizen” but always be a cop, even on his days off. I am so dang proud of him! And i know that I need to give him up to God, but i am also happy that there is a community of LEOW who are Believers in Christ!
The independence and flexibility part got me the most. Last night was his first overtime because of a last minute arrest, and i realised that I can never have “set plans” with him on his work days. And I also dont really like doing things without him lol. So it will be a big learning curve for us, but I am determined to make this work ❤
Kevin says
I embraced all 5 elements, and more, but it didn’t stop my wife, within her first year on patrol, from having an affair with her Sergeant (a married man with 2 little girls) and abruptly, unexpectedly abandoning our 17-year marriage. And she hasn’t looked back. It has devastated me. She has completely changed; she’s arrogant, uncaring and selfish. I don’t know who she is anymore.
I was so proud of her when she graduated from the Academy and was sworn in as an Officer. But now, in retrospect, I think that her entry into law enforcement was a horrible move – it irrevocably changed the woman I fell in love with and it destroyed our marriage, our home, our family.