When my husband went to the police academy, we lived in an area about three hours away. That meant he would leave Sunday night to drive there and stay until Thursday night, when he’d drive back. The trip would be in a department car, and he’d be driving with the other three new recruits every week. One of those three recruits was a woman. I didn’t have any issue with that. I thought, “how cool of her to join the department! I bet she’s awesome.”
When I dropped him off at the academy, however, there stood a tall, thin Blair Waldorf look-a-like with perfect hair and makeup asking my husband if he’d like to join them for dinner. Meanwhile, I stood there, four months pregnant in clothes that fit awkwardly because I still looked like I’d just had a big lunch. I wasn’t feeling exactly confident.
I feel pretty embarrassed to admit I was insanely jealous. When we got up to his dorm room, I had a meltdown. I cried about how beautiful she was, and how she’d just get more fit and beautiful during the academy while I sat at home and got bigger and more pregnant. I said something like, “I’m just going to be a fat mom.”
Bless my husband’s heart, his reaction was to tell me he wasn’t attracted to her, but if I liked her so much, he’d get her number for me.
Needless to say, if you’re in a situation where you’re feeling jealous over a female partner or co-worker, I feel you. I know what it’s like to feel jealous even when you know there’s no need for it. It sucks.
If this is something you’re struggling with, I have some tips to help.
Most of the time, your jealousy of your husband’s female partner will have little to nothing to do with her. What’s really bothering you?
In my case, there were a lot of things bothering me. We were living in a less-than-ideal situation and didn’t have the money to change things. We’d only been living there for about a month before finding out I was pregnant. Since I planned to be a stay-at-home mom, we didn’t think it made sense for me to get a job for just 7-8 months, but that meant I didn’t have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people.
The whole thing left me feeling lonely and isolated, and the people we lived with weren’t always the friendliest to me. Having just moved away from my family, I felt homesick, too. It was the fall, so we were rapidly approaching holidays that I knew wouldn’t be spent as I was accustomed to.
On top of that, pregnancy changes your body quickly. It’s a wonderful experience, and I was lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy, but all the changes were hard to take. It meant facing my body insecurities frequently and head-on, and often facing new ones every day.
My jealousy of his coworker was partly because I thought she was so attractive, but it had a lot more to do with how lousy I was feeling overall.
In the words of Abraham Lincoln, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” There’s a lot of truth to that, even if the enemy you’re actually trying to destroy is the green-eyed monster.
Get to know your husband’s partner. Figure out ways you can spend some time together, if possible. Get to know her as a person, not just a “threatening presence”. You may just have more in common than you realize.
Even if you don’t become best friends, getting to know her will help you realize something that I’m sure you already know: She’s there to do a job, not to steal your husband. Remember that.
Communication is probably the #1 most important aspect of a marriage. It’s important that your husband knows how you feel and that he can work to allay your fears.
Are you feeling insecure in your relationship with your husband? Sometimes a female partner can be threatening simply because first responders see a lot of things they don’t want to share with “civilians”, even their wives. You may feel their closeness is edging you out.
If this is the case, communicate that with your husband. Figure out ways that you can feel involved in his day without him feeling like he’s “ruining your innocence” with all the terrible things he sees.
Your husband chose to marry you, and he did so for a reason. Nothing about his female partner makes you any less special to him.
Jealousy can be really hard to deal with, and if you’re in this situation I feel for you! Give these tips a try, and remember that marriage is worth it.
How have you dealt with jealousy in the past?
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I’m a twenty-something LEO wife and stay-at-home mom to a one-year-old little boy. I enjoy writing, reading, taking my son for walks and runs in the stroller, and crafting. My goal is for Love and Blues to be a resource for first responders and their families. I write about marriage and family topics, as well as about the quirks that come with being married to a man in law enforcement, firefighting, or emergency medical services.
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