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When my husband went to the police academy, we didn’t live near the actual academy. The closest one was about 3 hours away, which meant he’d leave Sunday afternoon to drive there and return late Thursday night. He drove with 3 other new recruits in a department car, one of whom was a woman.
To be honest, I didn’t have any issue with that. I thought she must be super cool and couldn’t wait to meet her.
When I dropped him off at the academy, however, there stood a tall, thin Blair Waldorf look-a-like asking my husband if he’d like to join them for dinner.
Meanwhile, I stood there, four months pregnant in clothes that fit awkwardly because I still looked like I’d just had a big lunch. I, um, wasn’t feeling exactly confident.
I was insanely jealous, and when we got up to his new dorm room, I had a full-on meltdown. I cried about how beautiful she was, and how she’d just get more fit and beautiful during the academy while I sat at home and got bigger and more pregnant. I said something to the extent of, “I’m just going to be a fat mom!”
My husband told me he wasn’t attracted to her, but if I liked her so much, he’d get her number for me.
Brave man, my husband.
In my heart, I knew it wasn’t an issue. I trusted him, and I knew he wasn’t going to up and leave just because of an attractive woman in close proximity… but it still totally sucked.
The plus side of that situation, though, is that I feel I have a better handle on how to deal with it in the future.
How To Deal With Jealousy Over a Female Partner
Get to the root of the problem.
Most of the time, your jealousy of your husband’s female partner will have little to nothing to do with her, and a lot more to do with something in your life.
In my case, there were a lot of things bothering me.
We were living in a less-than-ideal situation and didn’t have the money to change things. We’d only been living there for about a month before finding out I was pregnant. Since I planned to be a stay-at-home mom, we didn’t think it made sense for me to get a job for just 7-8 months, but that meant I didn’t have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people apart from at church, and I felt like an alien there, too.
We lived with my in-laws who we (especially I) had a lot of conflict with and I struggled with not getting enough time to myself (because I’m an introvert – I need my alone time!) I was super homesick, too, because I’d just moved away from all my family, something that was even worse with the holidays approaching.
On top of that, pregnancy changes your body quickly. I had an easy pregnancy, but I had to figure out how to eat in a way that didn’t make me puke, and I had to face body insecurities frequently and head-on, and often facing completely new ones every day – without my husband there most of the time to assuage my worries.
My jealousy of his coworker was partly because I thought she was so attractive, but it had a lot more to do with how terrible I was feeling overall. And looking back, it’s totally understandable and I wish I could give myself a hug. It was just a rough time.
Get to know her.
In the words of Abraham Lincoln, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?” There’s a lot of truth to that, even if the enemy you’re actually trying to destroy is that darn green-eyed monster.
Get to know your husband’s partner. I didn’t do this, but I have a feeling she really was a cool person. I mean, maybe not – just being a police officer doesn’t make you a cool person, but I never got the chance to find out.
The thing is, if you can get to know her as a person and not just “threatening presence”, you’ll not only help reduce your jealousy, but you’ll also definitely get to feel more involved in your husband’s life in a weird, roundabout way. I sometimes have a hard time feeling irrelevant to my husband’s life as a stay-at-home mom, but getting to know his partner and having a good relationship with her (or him!) would help feel like I still matter.
Even if you don’t become best friends, getting to know her will help you realize something that I’m sure you already know: She’s there to do a job, not to steal your husband. Remember that.
Communicate your fears to your husband.
I know – I know! It’s ridiculous. It’s silly. Why talk to your husband about something you know is ridiculous and silly?
Because communication is key to an awesome marriage, that’s why.
If your husband knows what you’re struggling with, he can help you. And sometimes, talking about your struggles out loud is enough to see just how ridiculous they are and get rid of them.
But as I said before, if you’re feeling jealous of your husband’s partner, it could have a lot to do with generally feeling insecure about your relationship with your husband. Sometimes a female partner can be threatening simply because first responders see a lot of things they don’t want to share with “civilians”, even their wives. You may feel their closeness is edging you out.
If this is the case, communicate that with your husband. Figure out ways that you can feel involved in his day without him feeling like he’s “ruining your innocence” with all the terrible things he sees.
Or at least, give him the opportunity to give you a hug and buy you some chocolates 🙂 (or maybe that was just a perk of pregnancy, I can’t really say.)
Most importantly, remember that he picked you.
Your husband chose to marry you, and he did so for a reason. Nothing about his female partner makes you any less special to him – I promise.
Jealousy is super hard to deal with – but trust me when I say it can be overcome. And you’ll only be stronger for it 🙂
How have you dealt with jealousy in the past?
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