She is a Girl: Why your Husband’s Female Partner is your Ally, Not Your Enemy

It’s late.

He should have been home by now.

He said he was going out with the shift for a beer or two, but that doesn’t take three hours.

You check your phone.  Again, nothing.

You check Facebook to see if maybe there was a call that made them leave work late. Nope, still nothing.

You check other social media, you check your phone one more time, and you even spend a minute or two listening to that scanner app you downloaded a few months ago to no avail.

The fear that your husband is in imminent danger suddenly gives way to doubt when you remember the whole shift means the whole shift, including his new female partner.  Suddenly, the concern you had for your husband has turned into pure jealousy.

Now you think, he’d better have a darn good explanation for being late.

Can I tell you something? We have all been there.

Laying in bed trying to sleep, but constantly looking at the clock to figure out when he “should have” been home, wondering what the heck is keeping him out.  Bouncing back and forth between certainty that it’s completely innocent and certainty that he’s doing something he shouldn’t.  If that sounds like you right now – take heart in the fact I understand what you’re going through.

When you picture your husband’s female partner, there’s a good chance you’re picturing G.I. Jane: A woman with perfect hair and makeup, who she puts herself in danger all while not breaking a sweat. One who can understand your husband because she has lived it.  To  you, she is the woman who knows your husband’s stories and secrets the ones he won’t share with you.  

It doesn’t matter if your LEO has never done anything to make you believe he has been unfaithful. We do not know the world he lives daily, the things he sees, or what he has to do on a daily basis.  We know that she is in his world, so that makes her threatening.

If he has never done anything to make you insecure, why do you care that is new partner is a girl?  She understands the world he lives in, she understands him better.

It’s easy to feel threatened when he comes home and he doesn’t want to talk about his day and you know he’s already lived it with her. Whenever you ask he says you just wouldn’t understand or that he doesn’t want to talk about it. She understands, you think. If he would just give me a chance to understand I bet I could.

Let me start by saying:  I was in this world.  I was a police officer for nine of the best years of my life – and yes, I am a girl. So I want to give it to you straight.

I won’t lie: yes, there are romances that occur at police departments.

But guess what? This is true anywhere.  From board room to roll call room, there are romantic relationships blooming.

Our LEOs have to trust one another to keep them safe and to have each other’s backs

As a former lady cop myself, I can tell you I thought of my male partners more like brothers than anything -good-looking or not. The idea of a relationship with any of my male partners would feel a lot like incest.

She doesn’t see a handsome man in uniform next to her: she sees a farting, loud chewing, gum snapping, smelly guy that she depends on on the job, but doesn’t feel all that warm and fuzzy about.

 So keep in mind she could actually become your best ally. Much of how we deal with life with a public servant husband depends on how we look at a situation. Instead of seeing the female partner who is after your LEO, see her as your eyes when you are not able to be there with him.

In this situation, good old fashioned communication is key. It sounds cliché, but it really is the truth. If you do not speak honestly with your LEO, nothing will ever be even close to easy.

Tell him that if he is going out to the bar after work, you want to be informed when he’s actually heading to the bar so you know he’s safe.Tell him you understand that he may not have a chance to call you every night for a long conversation but a quick text would be appreciated.

There are other small things you can do to keep that insecurity monster at bay.  Meet your LEO and his partner for dinner if it is a slow night or even bring them both dinner.

If you are a smart aleck like I am, bring them donuts instead. 😉

But in all seriousness – get to know her!  She’s not nearly as much of a threat as you might be worried she is.

The bottom line is, this woman is another line of safety for your LEO. Instead of looking at her as a threat to you and your marriage, try looking at her as an accomplice.

Besides, we all know what kind of trouble us ladies can get into when we have an accomplice. 🙂

This is great - as a former female police officer, I can say this is 100% true. We're not out to steal your husband!

About The Author

Stephanie Erb

Stephanie has been happily married to her Police Sergeant husband for 8 years. They have two dogs that are spoiled more than most kids.
Stephanie was a police officer for 9 years until a back injury ended her career in policing. She switched to the other side of the radio as a dispatcher. She now does policy development along with handling her police department’s training and accreditation. Having the grand slam experience as an officer, dispatcher, and wife to an officer Stephanie brings a unique perspective to this crazy weird public safety world we live in and love. She blogs at The Blue Line Warrior.

  • LEOW

    While I can appreciate the logic here, I’ll never appreciate another female (who sees my husband more than I do) stating she understands him better. That seems disrespectful. She may understand the situation, but there is more to my husband than his line of work and I will always understand him better.

    • NarcGrl007

      With all due respect, I believe she was saying that this is something a wife (or a husband, to be fair) “may” think or feel. My partner and I worked together for 13 years in a violent crime & drug unit. Is it true that at times, you are with your partner more than your spouse? Yes-that is the reality of it. Is my partner one of my best friends? Yes, he is. I’ve confided in him and vice versa. But you know what is great about that-we will die for our partner if we have to. I am the first one to call him out if he complains about his spouse. I am the first one to spend hours on the net helping him find that gift item for his wife that she said she wanted 8 months ago (and I remember what it was cause you know us women don’t forget anything!) When it boils down to it, like in any marriage in any profession, trust is key. I’m not saying this is you. While I may be his partner, YOU are his rock. Your job is a tough one-anyone who says it isn’t has never been married to a first responder. And believe me-if you are a female cop working in a male dominated job, it’s not real easy to find a man who “puts” up with that. Thank you for being such an awesome wife-trust me, it makes our odds of coming home that much better.

      • LEOW

        Perhaps that’s what the statement meant, you can’t really tell. However, to me it read, as because she understands the world he lives in, therefore she “understands him better”. That’s disrespectful. And crosses a boundary.

        I’ll agree that trust is the key. But I think where many wives struggle has nothing to do with trusting their husband, but in the audacity of the females their husband’s work with. Unfortunately a few bad eggs give all the good ones a bad reputation.

        And honestly, if my husband had another female (even his mother) help pick out a gift I waited 8 months for, he might as well not even buy it. That defeats the whole purpose of the thought behind the gift.

        Finally, she also should not be his confidant, ever, period.

    • it seems my response had not gone through… this was not my intent at all. I was trying to “speak” as if I were in the state of complete insecurity and jealousy that can happen when you never see your LEO. I absolutely do not think that a partner actually knows our LEOs better than we do. I was just trying to run through some potential “thoughts” that LEOWs may have when missing our LEOs. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. But I do appreciate the input!